Creative Maths

There were two girls on the plane the other day. They`re both about, oh…14 or so and speak in the angst and italicised mannerof young teens the world over. They tray`s are down and void of any airline food and they are huddles over the notebooks, scribbling intently with neon pink pens.

“We’re doomed,” declared the blonde in the cream puffy jacket with the fake fur collar. She slumped in her seat and sighed.”48%, that’s not that bad,” the brunette in the pink puffy jacket with the fake fur collar said in soothing tones.”48% is rubbish!”

I peered over to see what they were doing. Oh, sweet nostalgia. Do you remember when you were young and crushing and you’d write your name on a piece of paper, then write LOVES underneath, then the name of the boy underneath that?

Like this:

and then you’d count how many L`s are in your names, then how many O, V, E and S’s, and keep adding up the numbers until you were left with a two-digit figure that spelled out your romantic destiny:


his poor girl was not happy with her compatibility with a young James. “He borrowed my pencil in Science last week so I thought things were going good.”
My heart went out to her. At this stage of her life, all she had to go on was pure mathematics. She wasn’t old enough to buy Cosmopolitan and let her self esteem be dictated by Are You Suckers Gonna Make It? multiple choice quizzes. I wanted to tap her on the shoulder and tell her that all was not lost. With some careful massaging of the data, it was entirely possible to turn the tide of their relationship.

Firstly, many schools of thought believe if you get a result under 50%, you have to double the number, the reason being 50% is the scientifically-proven minimum compatibility one can have with another human being. Or maybe it’s just because a result less than 50% would be like ripping out your heart and inviting a herd of elephants to crap on it.But if you don’t feel comfortable with such blatant figure fudging, you can tinker with the words. Try adding your middle names and see if that beefs up the percentage. If you don’t know his middle name, it is accepted practice to make one up.


Failing that, try a different word in the middle. “LOVES” is so traditional and stuffy.
Try “adores”, “admires”, “worships”, or:

is visible aroused at the thought of J

If all that still fails produce a satisfactory result, well, whatever. Clearly the boy is so not good enough for you, girlfriend.

An open letter to British Eddie

Background: What do you say to your crush? You`re not sure how you really really feel…but you hate the fact that you might not be getting the opportunity to find out. And then you go away for a while and meet another Eddie, who just happens to be half British / Half SAFA as well. And he reminds you so much of his alter ego back home and you end up missing the crush too much. And it`s a bit of a reminder that you might be losing out on something. So, you come back to Cape Town and the sore reminder is that the REAL British Eddie is still here. But he`s not ACTUALLY making any move.

Dear British Eddie, I like you and would, if it is alright with you, like to get to know you much better. Alternatively, I’d be ok with only making out too. You see, British Eddie, the whole British stiff-upper-lip is really starting to work on my nerves. Can’t you just lie down and think of England? Would it be that hard? Figuratively speaking, of course…

Anyway, I digress. All the bloody hinting about how you like me, buying me biltong (very original – beats flowers hands down) and saying we should get together for a drink sometime is all a bit confusing. You see, buying a girl biltong is a big thing where I come from and you should take care not to lead me on with dried spiced meat. It’s just wrong. So, British Eddie…when next you say, ” I like you, can I proposition you” I won’t just laugh it off because I think we’re both a bit wasted on red wine and you must be making a joke. I nearly kicked myself the next day when I realised I had possibly let an opportunity slide. British Eddie, please feel free to proposition me at ANY time. I will not laugh it off. I’ll probably jump you. I’ll even make you tea.


Conversations that are not Space Dimensional

Two people in a stairwell. They`re standing in opposite corners. She`s leaning against the railing with her arms folded; he`s leaning against the wall, with his hands in his pockets.


Hey you too…

This is a strange place to meet

Or we could stand in the middle of the Atrium where everyone could see us

You`ve got a point. This is the perfect place to meet

Mmm…you need to explain this big need for discretion one day

One day. Not today. Today`s not good

Still stressed?

I am not stressed

Right. Well, you look very cute when you`re not stressed

*he stops for a second. seems to be pondering something. continues*

Here`s a thought, Ms. Dennis…get through the rest of the afternoon, submit your assignment and get yourself over to my place

What`s at your place?

Well…Me, for one.


Talk about incentive

(WOW…getting Thai Green Curry with Prawns for supper. made.from.scratch. I’m not impressed. yet)