The Ghosts of Christmas

Christmas Lessons I wish I would learn

You`d think that I`d know by now especially after having had vast experience in experiencing Christmas fatigue (a terrible affliction causing you to peak too early on the festivities). Somehow, for some strange reason, I get lulled into a strange comfortable state of Christmas euphoria for 350 days of the year conveniently forgetting the other 14 days of Christmas hysteria, culminating in the blessed event (which is always sadly over far too quickly).

Once again, I find that I haven`t learned my lessons well and the Ghosts of Christmas Present taunts me, while the Ghosts of Christmas past just stands by idly cackling into their damn eggnog.

I just came from the mall.

See, self-explanatory. I just came from the mall and I am so sick of decking the freakin halls with frikkin bows of holly. In fact, hand me a screaming kid and some mistletoe and I`ll show you just how to stuff a turkey. So, how`s that for jolly Christmas spirit, then? The lessons every year are hard, painful and unfortunately short-lived. I have decided I will record (for posterity) my lessons for the Ghost of Christmas Future….maybe I`ll be a clever girl next year round. After all… who wants to be a nice girl for 350 days, only to get very nasty for the last 14 days? I`m pretty sure, Santa takes note of all transgressions (including the nasty ones` you think of standing in endless cashier`s lines) and that would explain my lack of pressies every year.

Lesson 1.
Avoid Ovarian Terror at all costs (when your ovaries seize up and you stand there going, As God is my witness, I will never spawn). Screaming, ill-disciplined and unattended kids in shops will annoy you. Make peace with it. There`s nothing you can do except hate their parents just a little but I suspect that falls into the naughty category.

So, let it be. Resist the temptation to discipline other people`s kids and just enhance your karma. Constantly.

Lesson 2.
Quit threatening to buy presents earlier in the year and actually just do it. Beat the Christmas rush isn`t just a lame payoff line somebody started…It`s an actual school of thought subscribed to by smug idiots who has the foresight to shop all year round and watch the rest of us plebs almost kill each other in a bid to lay our hands on the last MP3 for little Johnny. Who`s the idiot now, wiseguy?

Lesson 3.
Putting up the tree within paws reach of the mutts are never a good idea. Your resident kleptomaniac (a.k.a Darcy) will go spastic with the secret hysteria of being able to steal all the shiny round doo-daa`s off the tree. You will spend an educational 20 minutes in the garden finding interesting bits of tinsel and bauble. Lots of Bad Dog and Naughty Boy`s later and you will have a miserable pup, an aggro you and an anorexic looking tree. A thought….place tree higher!

Lesson 4
There is such a thing as too much sherry in the trifle. Entirely possible and true.

Lesson 5.
By the same merit, making the trifle is like feeding fish only one person should have the responsibility. Overfeed the fish, and they die. Oversherry the trifle, and we all fly. Something like that…

Lesson 6.
Don`t mess with a good thing if the FPU insists on doing all the cooking, let her do all the cooking. Volunteer assistance, but don`t get creative. In the mad rush of Christmas Eve, the midnight Champagne and the post-Christmas morning breakfast laziness, you won`t have the energy to even swizzle a stick. So, lay low on the lunch accountability stakes.

Lesson 7.
Sometimes your family can be annoying. Yes, you still love them…but they can irritate the crap out of you. Actually consider that you choose your mood and being in a crap mood is a state of mind. Smile at your annoying family, engage them in silly conversation or play a board game if it`s going to lighten the burden of having to be gregarious and nice all the time. It`s 1 day.

Lesson 8.
Smile at the cashier. Smile at the cashier. Smile at the cashier.

Yes, you`re getting a sullen look and yes, they`re in the service industry and are expected to be nice and smile…but consider the fact that you getting pissed off at their lack of friendliness and enthusiasm is just going to put your blood-pressure up. However, not giving you a smile is one thing, but being a total pain in the arse about helping you all together is another thing entirely. You are now allowed to go just a bit ‘bos`. Santa won`t mind. Promise. He`ll probably be giggling his arse off.

And that`s it. The lessons I never learn but wish I did. In fact, I should have a pop up reminder around September every year.

In the meantime, I think I will compensate for my lack of foresight by drinking some of the Trifle Sherry before I hit the shops. Bound to take the edge off, right?

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