Life imitating Art

Not that you could call any Soap Opera ‘art` but just don`t say that that to the millions of Soapie fans out there. Lately I`ve been viewing people with my ‘Soapie Director` eye. I mean, right here…in my own backyard (hell, my own life) are Soapie plots Franz Marx would die to script.

And the worst offenders…Men. Yes, I have discovered that men are the worst gossipmongers, troublemakers and drama queens out there. Now, I don`t know if I only know ‘special men` (as in…went to a special school, with special classes and special teachers), but there are guys who take the cake when it comes to turning the most elementary thing into the most complicated thing ever.


Get out of the shower, busy toweling myself when Nigel Pierce starts screaming about something. Not really interested in what he has to say, since it`s just beyond my comprehension that he does not realise the power of radio (seeing has he`s a jock). You`re in a studio, dude. You don`t have to scream. The whole of the peninsula can hear you quite fine.


Irritated…I switch to Heart.Fm. Grrrrr… Julian suffering of the same affliction as Nigel. Damn….


Radio`s off. Turn around and catch Darcy, my male Pomeranian, running around with something that looks suspiciously like my Dior Lipgloss. I intercept the skelm and proceed to dish out merry hell. I don`t hit my dogs. It`s a verbal tongue lashing. Darcy`s reaction? Instead of taking it like a man, he starts doing this high-pitched howling thing.

Darcy finds himself in the garden, on the other side of the sliding door.


In the car…listening to Red Hot Chilli Peppers (it was THAT kinda morning), when I get a call from the dude at the Ad Agency. The F*cking Tape didn`t get to f*cking joburg. The F*cking broadcast is tonight. F*ck me! WTF now???

Mmm…there`s something called Same Day courier Service, bucko. Broadcast is only at 8pm. If that doesn`t work, contact the studios in Seapoint and ask for a feed from Cape Town. Sheesh.


Carwash at work. Carwash manager dramatically gesticulating and attempting to explain to me how much of a pain in the arse I am. Ok, I admit…I`m not easy. I drive a black car (if it ‘aint black, send it back). My black car must be hand washed. NO bristles, no machines. It must be hand polished. No Streaks. Soft shammy. No silicone on the interior dash, etc. Leather steering wheel just wipe with soft cloth. So yeah, I get it. But is it necessary to be quite SO dramatic. I pay for service. Give me service. Black metallic finish is a finicky thing.


Grumpy colleague. Apparently something about Man United losing. Loads of grunting, cussing and general bad temperedness.

Huh? This IS a soccer team, right?

*Kidding. I ARE a huge Red Devil`s supporter. I just think they deserved to lose after that appalling effort.


I hate women. They drain the lifeblood out of you. The bloody suck

I thought THAT was a good thing

What is a good thing?

Them sucking

*Glowering colleague / friend standing in my office. Rather dramatic hands on hips pose

mmm…sorry. What`s wrong?

My wife doesn`t want me to get a PS3

Mmm…I don`t think it`s ok to tell your female colleague that your wife sucks because she doesn`t want you to buy another toy. Besides, you`re 37. AND you just got the Xbox 360.

Sheesh. It`s not even that. If she’s difficult about this because of the Xbox I would understand. Nooooooo…apparently it`s something about spending my QT with her


JD, what`s QT?

Mike, it`s a strange concept introduced by women to torture men

Makes sense

See what I mean…no rational sense of sitting down and sorting out a problem, no calm and rational approach to a conversation and absolutely the maximum amount of being peeved, with the minimum amount of comprehension. They gossip, they ‘stir’, they delight in being total control freaks and complicating even the most mundane tasks. Sometimes I`m glad I`m a woman.

At least when I throw my toys, I get to do it spectacularly.

Because I`m a woman and I`m licensed to be irrational…apparently.

*and far from being a general statement, let me say on record that this behaviour has mostly been limited to the individuals I work with. I pick my friends wisely.

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