Achtung, baby!

*Happy Smile*

Beer, beer, cute boys and more beer…The DSK Bazaar rocked, baby!

The beer flowed, the Oompah rocked, the PYT`s (Pretty Young Things) were hot and I got to share it all with my closest mates. Heaven on a Wiener Stick, I tell ya`.

The Urban Family and I went to the DSK Bazaar on Saturday. What a jol! The German School in Cape Town is probably set in one of the most beautiful locations ever and 5 of my buds had the fortune of having schooled there. Every year we do our annual pilgrimage to the bazaar. It`s fun for young and old but we all now that bazaar is just a bizarre name for Beer Fest. Unfortunately, only the brave and the strong will survive the experience…and unless you are equipped with these simple guidelines you will never make it through the day:

On arrival… before greeting your friends, grabbing a beer or checking out the ‘talent`…secure a table. This is important and invaluable. Much later, you will be grateful you fought with a dour German Herr for seating superiority.
Serious dour German Herr`s WILL become smarmy semi-charming, but very leering German Herr`s as the beer flows.
If you do not eat even ONE bratwurst with mustard, you might be excused from the human race for being a non-bratwurst eating wuss! People will point and laugh behind your back.
You WILL get exercise prepare to hike up a very steep hill because parking will be hell. Prepare to lift them knees during an Oompah or two. Prepare to lift those heavy beer mugs 2 hands are NOT allowed.
When going on a ‘beer run` (get a coupon, get a mug, fight your way to counter), do not discount what popping a few buttons, creating a cleavage and shamelessly flirting can do in a very backed up line.
Do not, for one second, underestimate the power of bratwurst and mustard…it reduces grown men to little boys.
It is apparently not unusual to meet a cute and hysterically funny Jewish boy at a German event. The irony is beautiful.
If you`re a pro, you`ll practice your food consumption and pace yourself perfectly in order to enjoy all the bratwurst, wurst-wurst, kassler`s, sauerkraut and strudel you can handle.
If you leave your beer unattended on the table, it WILL disappear. You will in that instant hate your friends.
Said friends will categorically deny having annexed your beer, while daintily sipping your beer from their mugs. Bastards.
You will wake up at night still having vengeful thoughts. It will consume you.
If you`re a chick and you never drink beer, now is the time to score brownie points. Once you get past the first mug, there`s no turning back. Boys will be very impressed.
Openly staring at cute boys is highly permissible. They will stare back. The staring never stops. It`s like legal perving. With beer. And Bratwurst (with mustard).
You are allowed to grab the hat off the head of a passing stranger you must RETURN THE HAT before the evening ends. If you can ‘moonwalk`, jackpot! You get to keep the hat.
It is very possible to bring Sexy Back while dancing to Oompah music.
Grabbing a stranger on the dance floor is not ‘strange`. It`s German and fun.
You are allowed to save pretty male flight attendants from certain death (a.k.a being dragged around the dance floor by a very robust lady 40 years older than him). His ‘forever` gratitude will warm the cockles of your heart but not as much as beer would.
Don`t EVER spill your beer. People will turn away from you in disgust. You will be spurned.
If a German Herr tells you quite emphatically that he likes African Women, Ja? They have a bum, Ja?, don`t blink. Just nod. And, most importantly, when baby-sister rescues you…try not to look too relieved.

*sigh* I tell ya`…it`s almost illegal the fun we had. It`s the type of memories that the Urban Family and I will remember for a long time. Well, at least till never year this time. And the great thing is…I`ve got a whole year to brush up on my beer drinking, bratwurst eating, cute boy ogling, oompah dancing skills.

Better get cracking then, Ja?

Ps: Che, we did miss you terribly. We each had a beer (or two) for you…

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