Message in a Bottle

Dear Me,

A year from now, you`ll be so glad you read this letter. So, do yourself a favour and pay close attention to what you have to say.

Firstly, do yourself a huge favour and spare a few bucks…do not buy this cute little flat ballerina pumps that`s all the rage this December. I know it looks fab and your sister really pulls off the look, but you won`t be wearing them much at all.

Because, face it…you`re a stiletto girl. Always was, always will be. Oh…and a year from now you`ll realise that cute doesn`t work for you. It makes you look possessed or schizo. So, no cute shoes, ok?

Second of all, all this drama you`re going through right now…wondering about whether you`ll die alone at age 90, with no one to know you`re dead but for the stench of your rotting corpse alerting the mailman…and wondering about whether you`ll be celibate for the next 30 years and wondering if you`ll ever experience real affection from a guy ever again. It`s all overrated and it`s bollocks. You`ll realise a year from now that you really really sucked square eggs with your self-pity.

You`ll realise that you`re a pain in the arse…but you`re not unlovable, unattractive or a freak. Neither is it your lot in life to attract socially unacceptable men and emotional time wasters. You`re fine. And October next year, you`re going to love who you are, where you are, how you are and how you look. And you`ll laugh about this time in your life. You`ll call it your Dark Years.

Oi…and relax about whether you`ve bitten off more than you can chew with this new position your stepped into 6 days ago. You`re so going to ROCK at it. And then you`re going to take on other stuff. And then you`re going to get bored. In exactly one year from now…you`ll be bored out of your freaking mind.

Here’s another little trick… Don’t be so honest about everything. Yes, it`s in your Aries nature to say exactly what you think and to hell with the rest…but tact isn`t a mythical country on the continent of discretion. I don’t mean that you should lie, I just mean, don’t be honest.

Here’s a very important one. ACT LIKE YOU HAVE OPTIONS. It’s like this. If a man thinks that other men are into you, then he’ll be more likely to be into you. It’s called perceived value. Marilyn didn’t get lucky because she was attractive, she got lucky because Sinatra thought JFK thought she was attractive.

Ok..finally…good news and bad news.

Bad news:
One year from now, you still will not have a boyfriend.

Good news:
You won`t care at all, because you`ll be having so much fun that you won’t think about it as much.

Oh…and buy more shares in a certain financial company. It`s going to skyrocket towards mid-year 2006.

From Jean

06 October 2005

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