Fear is a very powerful emotion. It is a very debilitating emotion as well, knowing that you have so much potential, so much to give, so much to do with your life, and the only thing holding you back is the fact that you are not emotionally brave. Sometimes we have a good reason for taking the easy way out – we don’t want to get hurt, or hurt others; we don’t want to lose things we value; we don’t want to risk losing everything. But I am a firm believer that the pain of lost potential, lost dreams, wasted talent, wasted opportunities is far, far greater than any of those things.
I thought that I was over things. I thought that my healing was over and I was ready to move on, ready for the next phase of my life. I know that a new cycle is beginning, and it is exciting and wonderful and exhilarating. But there is still a lot of pain, a lot of unresolved issues. I haven’t adequately dealt with everything yet – I have suppressed things, or found temporary solutions to issues and feelings that are no longer willing to have a bandaid put over them. There is a long way to go.
I am not a Bag Lady and this is not about having baggage from previous experiences. It`s about my own personal inability to let myself just be â€˜brave` enough to get on with things. A contradiction then to what I said I believed.
There is so much I need to say, so much I need to let out of me, and I feel like I can’t do that with the way my blog is set up. I am not as anonymous as I would like to be for some of the things I would like to say and I feel like I am censoring myself, and I hate that. I have always prided myself on being open and honest on this blog, and frankly, lately it’s been hard. I cannot say everything I want to say in a public space.
I’m entering a new phase of my life, and I am maybe past the re-evaluating and introspection that was part of my life for the past year. My blog was an outlet for these things.
The last three years were defining and painful and really just f*cked me up in so many ways. And to be fairâ€¦to be really honest, I was part of the vicious cycle. In 2003, I seperated from a person that I thought would be my partner forever. We understood each other so perfectly and loved without reservation. One day I woke up, looked over at him and though to myself that this is the way it was always going to be. I could easily wake up next to him everyday and I would be okay with that. Two weeks later he told me he could not be with me anymore because he needed to find himself. He did not want to be in any relationship at all. A month later I saw him with somebody else. They were happy and in love. I could have died right there.
In 2004 I met someone whom I thought was different. Refreshing. Open with his feelings and spontaneous. Before the friendship became a relationship, things went south. His little barbs of playful jealousy became serious and worrying. Gentle behaviour became irrational anger and tantrums. I told him to leave. That I was not prepared to go into a relationship with somebody who could potentially hurt me verbally, physically â€¦whatever.
He stalked me. I got a restraining order. Eventually that was the end of that.
The end of 2004 and the duration of 2005 was strangely enough the worst year of my life. I had inadvertantly become involved with someone who was entirely innapropriate for me. To be fair, it wasn`t romantic. It was physical. And there were groundrules of no expectations and no strings attached. Those groundrules do not pretoect you from the fact that when you overstep the boundaries in a friendship, it can never be repaired. I am still paying dearly for it and I mourn for a friendship that will never quite be the same again.
Summer 2005 was ground zero. While all my friends were having fun, I was floating along like a ghost. I literally cloaked myself with an air of sadness and the culmination of bad decisions and self-imposed lonliness finally took it`s toll then. In January 2006, I resolved to stop the cycle of shit I was putting myself through, and by that I meant that I was going to become jean again. And, somehow, I could never have forseen all the changes that would come to pass in these 9 months. In spite of everything, I’ve had an amazing year thus far. I’ve become me again. I’ve done things to enrich my life and my friendships have blossomed. I have also known despair and pain beyond anything I’d ever experienced before. I’ve realised that I have to be brave enough and strong enough to follow my heart and my dreams, where ever they may lead me, and however lonely that path might be.
But I regret nothing, and remain grateful for everything, good and bad.
I laugh sometimes when people say that I am strong and together. I laugh because I AM strong and together. But, like everybody else, I have my moments of weakness and my moments when I`m not brave or even honest with myself. I have my archilles heelâ€¦my archilles heel is that I am woman, who sometimes just wants to be a little girl. Who just wants to be protected and looked after (Like Bean and his ERRC`s) and spoiled (like JB and his Visagie Dress and the imported Marlboro Man) or evenâ€¦that special friend who mailed me and let me know in his quiet way that he understands and in some way he cares.
So, I guess what I`m saying is thatâ€¦I`m still the girl I`ve become this year. But I am still the girl I was last year. And I guess that in the last 24 hours I`ve had to make peace with the fact that I can allow myself to be emotionally fragile now and then.
Because it`s human. And possibly the bravest thing that I can do.