Tell me no lies


Ran into a buddy of mine in Woolies last night. The big guy was morosely making his way from aisle to aisle. He wasn`t going very fast on account of his trailing lip holding him back. I obviously went over, gave him a hug (on tippie toes), took a look at the sulking face, took a peek at the basket…grinned. Uh oh…flowers, red wine, strawberries and chocolates.

What did you do, I asked.
His response…. She said she wouldn`t mind if I went to a strip club with the boys. She did mind. I`m in SO much shit.

*snort* Silly boy…

There are some of us who say what we mean and mean what we say (mostly because fair is fair and we want you to return the favour). And then…there`s the FDQ. The F*cking Drama Queen. Their brains are wired differently to ours – they crave conflict, drama and instability. They like to start fights over nothing. Because they need and want to be constantly reassured, they thrive on insecurity. They are illogical and emotion-driven creatures. This is why they test men by constructing damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don`t traps to put men`s commitment, loyalty and motives on trial. And, I`ll be damned…you guys always fall for it.

*shakes head in wonder*

Most of these traps come packaged as innocent questions or offhand remarks. Innocent? Dream on. In fact, they`re designed to make you fail, and when you do fail, the punishment is merciless. It may be a ridiculous and childish game that these FDQ`s force you to play but, hey, you`ve chosen her and that means that until you actually sit down and have a rational calm conversation about the tantrums and illogical rationalisations…you`re stuck having to try and avoid an ‘episode`. So, the trick is to sidestep the booby traps. Ultimately, this means learning how to effectively skirt around the truth (a.k.a lie), because when a woman like this asks you a certain type of question, she isn`t really looking for an honest answer. She wants you to lie. Sad…but so true.

What are you thinking?
A classic question. Look, women are highly emotional creatures and there`s absolutely nothing wrong with that. It does, however, become a problem when her whole life revolves around you. Her every breathing, waking moment is consumed by every thought of you (and shoes). Now, refer my previous post (oh…a couple of months ago) on the perils of co-dependent relationships. Not good…and why is it not good? Well, it stands to reason that if her whole existence is centered around thinking about you 24/7, she`s going to expect the same from you (a.k.a…you`re ever so slightly screwed, since you think about her a fair amount of time, but hey.,`re guy…and there`s other stuff happening right? Jessica Alba, Rugby, 40Gig Ipod or 60Gig Ipod? The office hottie who smiled at you yesterday).

Stupid responses:
• I was wondering what time the game starts.
• Have you seen that new chick who moved in across the hall?
• Beer.

Smart responses:
• I was just thinking how pretty you look today.
• I was just thinking what a lucky guy I am to even know you.

Do you think I`m fat? (a.k.a Do I look fat in this dress?)
What she`s really asking is, Do you still think I`m sexually attractive. Now, unless she`s extremely vain and know that you could bounce a 2O cent off her backside, she is probably very aware that she has put on some pounds. So she wants you to lie, so that you can reassure her that you are still attracted to her despite the fact that she doesn`t look exactly like she did when you first met. However, you can`t be obvious that you`re lying (sounds bloody exhausting already).

Stupid responses:
• Yeah, you could stand to lose a few.
• I`ve been noticing all that cottage cheese on your thighs lately.
• Compared to who?

Smart responses:
• Just look at her in utter amazement that she could even ask such a question.
• Don`t answer directly. Instead, say something like, You`re the most beautiful woman I`ve ever seen.

What are you attracted to, my brains or my body?
This is female-speak for Did you hook up with me just because I have big boobs? It`s the perfect female trap. If you answer that it was her intelligence and sparkling personality that initially got you interested, then she`ll come back with, Oh, so you think I`m ugly? And if you mention her awesome headlights, prepare to duck.

(Anyway, a clever woman will know that there`s more to a man`s interest in her than just physical or mental interest. We should really give guys more credit, huh?)

Stupid response:
• Openly leering at her breasts while making grasping motions with your fingers

Smart response:
• You know what`s so great about you, honey? You`re the perfect combination of beauty and brains. Everything about you turns me on.

If you could sleep with one of my friends, which one would it be?
Oh, boy. This is a classic test-your-loyalty, damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don`t trap. Personally, I think that ANY woman stupid enough to ask this question deserves a brutally honest, I want to shag all your friends response. But that`s just my opinion….

Stupid responses:
• Wistfully answering Monica as your brain throws up images of a torrid threesome
• Even worse is saying, It would be a tough choice between Monica and Jennifer.

Smart responses:
• You`re so beautiful that I wouldn`t want to sleep with anybody else.
• I`ve never thought of any of your friends that way, so I really couldn`t pick one.
• Run for your life.

Do you love me?
What she`s really asking is, Is this relationship going to end up in serious commitment or am I just wasting my time hanging out with you? Never forget that some women look at dating and marriage as businesses, and if she`s not going to realise a future profit, then she will have no further use for you. This could be a tough one to hedge though and you should really have had the where do you stand on monogamy, marriage, kids, etc conversation at the onset of the whole relationship. If you didn`t…tough. You now don`t have a leg to stand on. Whether she`s a traditionalist (marriage) or a modernist (not marriage per se, but a partnership), eventually ALL women want some kind of commitment. Blame it on the estrogen. Personally I think that the moment you actually have to ask him if he loves you, you`re in trouble. But I`m stubborn that way *g*

Stupid responses:
• I`ve grown very fond of you.
• That depends on what you mean by ‘love’.
• I guess so.

Smart responses:
• This is another time to cleverly sidestep a direct answer, so say something like, You are the perfect woman. I love being around you.
• Run.

“How many women have you slept with?
Now, read between the lines on this one. It`s not really how many, it`s more likely Were they better than me. Some women are sexually insecure (refer yesterday`s post) and it could be for a number of reasons. And they want to be reassured that they rock your world.

Mmmm…Once again, personally I do NOT want to know how you got your freak on with other women. And I am one of those firm believes that you are an individual and cannot be compared to other women, experiences, etc.

So, this is filed under my Stupid questions never to ask a guy on pain of death

Stupid response:
• Start counting on your fingers, then move on to your toes. Smile brightly while doing so. Sigh with nostalgia often.

Smart response:
• I can`t remember, dear, because since I met you, no one else matters.

Exhausting, isn`t it guys? *smile* And just to be fair, let me state quite emphatically that I am a woman and I don`t dislike other women (and I was not generalising) but I do think that the fairer gender make it incredibly hard for ourselves to relax and enjoy a relationship sometimes. We look for trouble. We see demons. *sigh* He is with you because he chose to be with you. Gettit? Gottit?

Yes, it`s hard…we`re wired differently. But I refuse to believe that we have been wired to be insecure or in constant need or reassurance. It`s like this, ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. And if he is really saying or doing things to make you feel insecure, why are you still around?

I say, some things are best left alone. Unless you really really want to know.

And you think that you`re a big girl and can handle it.

Oh…and I speak from experience. I once dated a FDQ. HE was exhausting.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *