Sharing â€˜n Caring Femme: A person of the female persuasion who feels inclined to share all of herself with the local male population. She also generally leaves little to the imagination and â€˜cares` about all the boys. Equally.
Kitty Whipped: Boys who are totally floored by a Sharing â€˜n Caring Femme. I could say pussy. But I didn`t. I`m a lady. Nuff said.
Let me apologise right now if I sound in any way supercilious or just plain full of it. I`m not a know-it-all. Ek se maar net hoe ek voel oor die saak.
I ended last week in a bit of a funk. Nothing serious – just needing a bit of me time. It had been a long week. So, Friday evening I stayed at home and did absolutely nothing. Well, you knowâ€¦I did watch TV, make some pasta and drink some red wine. But essentially, I did nothing. The rest of the weekend was just as sublimeâ€¦had supper with a friend, watched You, Me and Dupree Saturday morning (and discovered my Inner Jean-ness. That`s Jean, with ness behind it), went out dancing with the girls, slept late on Sunday and checked out the Best of the Fest Comedy at the Baxter last night (where I was propositioned by a very precocious puppet from stage. Or maybe it was the ventriloquist. Whatever. Apparently once you go puppet, you never go back. And why is it that a puppet speaking in a plummy Pom accent is just so hot? *wink*)â€¦
But I digressâ€¦.
With half of the urban family engaged in other activities or overseas, Saturday evening ended up being a bit of a ladies night. After having supper with a lady friend, I met up with Kim and Kim (long story) and we decided to hit our local to dance.
Now firstly, let me put this into perspective. My lady friends and I are by no means prudes. We like looking good and dressing well. We`re groomed and we like sexy clothing. As much as we do the sneakers and t-shirt thing on a Saturday morning when we`re doing the grocery shopping, we love the stiletto and sexy top bit for a Saturday evening. But, let me tell you this, it doesn`t matter what we`re wearing and where we are – we`re always decent. You won`t see a single nipple flash (sorry boys) or inappropriately short belt (a.k.a The skirt that no woman should legally be allowed to sit down in). But I`d like to think that we still look great.
Where am I going with this?
We`re in Barmooda right. And the music is great (the one place that always guarantee`s great House) but we`re not really â€˜feeling it`, because it`s hot and stuffy and smoky. And while all of this is happening, I`m kind of idling and people-watching (as I do) and I see a really attractive girl a few feet away. She`s beautiful, but clearly aware of it. The one button straining against the onslaught of the combined forces of Wonder bra and Mother Nature is already leaving very little to the imagination. She is vamping for the already growing circle of awe-struck boys around her. I`m intriguedâ€¦I`m standing there thinking that if she would only stop being so selfaware, she could stop traffic. I was wrong. She stopped traffic anywayâ€¦and here`s how:
A Sharing â€˜n Caring Femmes` guide to getting the boys Kitty Whipped.
Vamp to the boys and run your hands all over your body. As you hands pass over your breasts and your arse, squeeze. Because it`s just so hot in here.
Wait for the bouncer to open the side doors and then position yourself perfectly in the centre of the doorway so that the incoming breeze blows back your hair as you dance. Right thereâ€¦BAM! Doing it like you`re doing it for TV. You`re J-Lo. Noâ€¦.J-LO has nothing on you.
Toss wind tousled hair from side to side, while bending your knees and arching your backâ€¦because, you know, it`s so hot in here.
Realise that *squeal* They`re playing your song!!!. Start writhing around suggestively, giving each guy an opportunity to get to know you up close and personal â€¦because, you know, you`re such a sharing â€˜n caring kinda gal.
Turn around; grab your lady friend (because, you know, a sharing â€˜n caring femme like you will always have a sidekick). Give the guys an idea of how friendly you and your lady friend can be. Touch each other while dancing. At one stage allow for the friendliness to get so heated (because, you know, it`s so hot in here) that your top is pulled down. Oops!
Slowly and with deliberate care (because, you know, you don`t want to rip your top or buttons or anything) you button up again. You realise that you`re really feeling the music at this point and you start pushing everybody away to make the very big circle around you so much wider.
And then you proceed to do the perfect ballet split on the dance floor.
And get up and toss your one leg over the head of the nearest guy
And then toss you hair and arch your back and slowly and suggestively writhe down your friends` â€¦leg.
Because, you knowâ€¦it`s so hot in here.
Jean (being Jean) stood there taking it all in. Mentally already blogging it (because I`m a freakin addict, ok!) and studying the reactions of the men around me. Now, look â€¦women fall into three categories in an instance like this. Annoyed . Ambivalent. Envious. Men fall into three categories tooâ€¦Gay (meaning simultaneously envious and ambivalent), Shocked (my male friends had they been there, the DJ of this particular club and my dad) and Kitty Whipped (roughly 70% of the men in Barmooda). You see, it`s really like this. Our Sharing â€˜n Caring Femme was really leaving very little to the imagination. I was standing there, mentally railing at her because she was such a pretty girl. Really really attractive. She didn`t need the antics. She didn`t need to be a floor show. She didn`t need to give it away like that. I was thinking, Where`s the mystery?. Nothing in your attitude or dress suggests sexy and alluring. It`s brazen and out there and the appeal would not last beyond that smoky dance floor because a perception of you has been formed.
I have come to the realisation that most men (of the grown up and normal variety) will become Kitty Whipped at some stage of their lives. Accept that men are physical creatures and they love visual stimulation. It`s like giving a chameleon smarties and telling it to â€˜go wild`. Sensory overloadâ€¦when do they stop looking and wanting the smarties if you`re giving to them. They`ll get tired of it really quickly. Because, you know, there is such a thing as too much smarties.
But not all men are Kitty Whipped. *smile*
I guess, a certain type of woman will attract a certain type of man. All my male friends all of them (though probably very physical creatures as well. But I don`t want to think about thatâ€¦because, you know, that`s like so eeeewwwh) are pretty clear about what they want in a woman. They`ll definitely raise an eyebrow if any of the girls start feeling a bit flashy and, yesâ€¦ they do compliment us when we look good. They`re not impressed by overt displays of flesh and â€˜out there` behaviour at all. But, we are treated like queens. Every single one of us. Friend, partner, wifeâ€¦we`re always treated with respect.
Because, you know, it`s like so hot to be picky about how you share â€˜n care? *smirk*