Fright Night

I`m looking at the alarm clock and it`s 3am. I have a management meeting at 8am and I need to leave the house by 7:30 to beat the crappy traffic. It goes without saying that I obviously need to sleep. I can`t. I`m too scared to sleep. My eyes are wide open because the light is on and I`m sitting up in bed. My ears are straining for every little minute sound. I`m trying to be logical, but I`m actually shivering. Literally from fear and cold (sitting up in bed sucks). *sigh* Problem is…where did it go? And does it prefer the floor or the bed? The door is pretty far from my bed, so I can`t jump. If I get off the bed and sprint to the door, it might be there. It`s not on the ceiling…but maybe it`s above the door. The door is around the corner…I can`t see what`s above the door from here…what if I get there and it`s waiting for me? Ok…the floor and the door is out.

*wait* what if it`s in my bed already. I should check. F*ck. I`m too scared to check. *shudder* I feel so creeped out right now. Mmmm…The en-suite door is closer. What if I run to the en-suite? No. Light is off in there. And what if it`s waiting there already.

There`s nothing for it…I`ll have to stay awake.

A friend was saying to me over the weekend that she was quite amazed at how fearless I am. But she doesn`t know me very dirty little secret. I am Arachnophobic. Not in the go entirely crazy kind of way. But in a worse way…in the I can`t move for fear of it kinda way. And ask anyone who is afraid of spiders… The worst is when you see them and suddenly they`re gone. It`s the worst feeling in the world. The fact that the little bastard can be anywhere (in your hair!!) and you won`t even know.

So, last night I was just getting ready to turn out my bedside lights to go to bed when I saw a massive (HUGE) spider along the wall. And this wasn`t one of those piss-willy daddy-long-leg`s variety. It was as high as it was wide. And black. And so starts the battle of wits. I`m too scared to physically touch it and it was too big to try and squash (like THAT would happen. It implies getting close to the sucker). So, I kept my eye on it and I take off my slipper…and threw it at the spider. But I was too slow and it was too fast, scurrying further along the wall behind my mirror. Damn. I could see its long thick legs curved around corner along the top of the mirror. But it was too dark behind the mirror to see it properly (and besides I needed to get it out again where I could SEE it)

HAH! Light a candle and stick it behind the mirror. Damn…freaking candles everywhere and not a lighter in sight. So, into the living room… Where`s the *bleeping* lighter. Oh. I had it in the study last. Eureka! Hurry back. Light candle…stick it behind mirror. Where the *bleep* is the *bleeping* spider???. Aaaarrrgghgh… Why didn’t I stay to keep an eye on it?! Now it could be anywhere!

[She says, still paranoid, flinching at every little hair that moves slightly in her neck]

I jump onto the bed. The dogs think it`s a game. Get the *bleep* of the *bleeping* bed! And get out of the room!!

Now, now…. it may crawl up on me in bed as I sleep! For all I know, it’s some poisonous regional breed of arachnid that will bite me once and send me into a toxic coma as I sleep.

I woke up this morning, still in a sitting position and my very amused baby sister standing over my bed. It took me literally 2 seconds to freak out all over and using her as protection I rushed out of the room. Only to stop short at my bedroom door. Right outside…obviously killed with great relish, was my little friend.

I turn to my BABY SISTER who casually grins and says, ‘I took some TP and killed it for you. I also kept it so that you can see it`s dead`

I`m so embarrassed. Shown up by an 18 year-old.

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