The Importance of Little Johnny (2): Making a fruit salad
1:24PM, Friday, 04 Aug, 2006
*PG18. SNVL (and bad writing). You have been warned*
At the birth of every little boy, in every hospital in all the worldâ€¦there should be an instructor on hand to ensure that said little baby boy is well aware of the consequences of being born into the male population.
I have always observed with great interest how men and their behaviour (especially) around the opposite sex are centred on their groin. In fact, watch a guy when he`s chatting up a chick in a barâ€¦.He will almost certainly face her directly, just out his hips slightly towards her and hook hands in the loops of his pockets or belt, so that his fingers point towardsâ€¦.Little Johnny. I feel for them thoughâ€¦It`s quite an important part of their body and psyche. Look at the facts:
Men carry it everywhere with them. They are born with it and take it to their grave. A man on a deserted island still has his penis. Friends and relatives come and go, but the penis accompanies them through every moment of their masculine existence. It is their right hand man, riding shotgun with them through their lives. Every morning, as they arise, their penis is there (often having done a bit of â€˜arising` itself).
They wee with it. Unpleasant and necessary for the rest of us, huge fun for guys. Urination is a reward unto itself for them. I mean â€¦c`monâ€¦ they get to pee STANDING UP! How cool is that? And they can use their penis to write their names in the sand. Armed with a penis, a man is a walking graffiti artist.
They talk to itâ€¦They attempt to teach it right from wrong like a little puppy. They ask it for advice, they scold it when it behaves badly and at all times men are comforted by the fact that the penis is there to listen (although not to obey).
They Measure the Suckaâ€¦Periodically through a man’s life he will (privately in the bathroom) measure his penis. For a long time it was all about length but, now, thanks to Men`s Health and Cosmopolitan paranoia has set in and they are as concerned with girth.
Men Compare it. Men research little Johnny with the diligent attention to detail of historians. Facts, forthright and obscure, are perused with voracious attention to detail. In public showers, men slyly measure up to their counterparts, always careful to never get caught staring.
They (attempt) to learn to control it. The fine art of controlling your penis is the holy grail of masculinity. The number of man-hours they spend training little Johnny to become erect at the correct time (but not at incorrect times), and to stay erect for a required duration, is astounding. Men practice penis control with every encounter. In their finest moments of mental acumen, and their most sunken moments of drunken stupor, they always do their absolute best to maintain total penis composure. Have sex with it (thought this was going to be first on the list, huh?) In every human birth (except possibly one), the male penis has played a central role. The penis is used millions of times daily in the act of impregnation. In the same veinâ€¦I feel confident that soon enough the penis gene (the one regulating size) will be uncovered. The legacy of your fathers will no longer dominate your adult lives, boys *g*
Play with it. The penis is like Play Dough. Men masturbate at an irregular schedule that meets their solitary sexual demands. Men learn to flop it from side to side. A penis can be pulled on, or pushed in to make it disappear within the body wall. Note: Somehow they don`t take kindly to it if women want to play. You`d think using a man`s penis as a talking hand puppet would garner some respect. Apparently all it garners is a sulk of epic proportions. Men Advocate it. The monster must be fed and attracting sex takes a certain amount of propaganda and fanfare. Men approach women by first ensuring their mind is right, and then ensuring their penis is in full cooperation. The act of impressing a woman most often involves assuring her that your penis is fully appropriate, responsible, and attentive, in equal measure. Confrontations with other males are quite often for no other reason than to front the capabilities of individual penises.
They show it off. Men are proud of their penis. Once comfortable around a lover, a man will display his penis in the best possible light as often as possible. Men enjoy compliments given to their penis. One of life’s greatest joys to a man is when he can display his penis to an adoring audience.
They use it as scapegoat. Not all activities involving the penis are beneficial and often men get into embarrassing situations. It is an unfortunate fact that most women will sometime face a situation where they must confront a man who is shifting the blame away from himself and onto his penis. “My penis made me do it!”.
Cut it off. Kidding â€¦ But I probably spooked ya, didn`t I?
Screw up their lives because of it. They let their little head do the thinking periodically through their lives. Sweet logic is cast aside in the pursuit of more biological, sweaty activities.
Screw up other people`s lives with it. Once again, kiddingâ€¦unless it`s rape, in a consensual situation I firmly believe it takes two to pantsula.
Take it to war. War is all about penis pride – taken to an extreme. Little George Bush Jr. whispered in the ear of Big George Bush Jr and the collective result was a televised statement post 9/11, Bring it ON!. A threat to a nation’s collective penis is sure to be met with violence and hostile takeovers. Name it. I don`t know why this is at all important or necessaryâ€¦.but it happens. I think it goes back to the days when their mom`s referred to it as little pee-pee. In trying to totally obliterate that disgusting degradation and lack of respect little pee-pee is often renamed to Godzilla.
Groom it. *Please, let this be real* Apparently men go to great lengths to ensure that it`s as sweet smelling as the Chelsea Flower Show. And I believe that because I have no reason not to. Ohâ€¦and some of them shave their scrotum to make everything looks bigger. *mental picture*â€¦moving onâ€¦ They constantly talk about it. At length (excuse the pun) and in detail. Some comedians have launched and sustained their careers talking about it.
Respect it. Take care of your penis boys, and your penis will take care of you. Treat your penis with respect, and it will reciprocate. The penis may very well house the male soul.
Laugh at it
ok. Mostly women laugh at itâ€¦.it is a funny looking fella` though, isn`t it?
Adjust it. Ok. My personal pet peeveâ€¦Why do this in public guys? Why not readjust in private? Why not shift little Johnny to the appropriate position first time round?
Expose it to the great outdoors. A happy penis will sooner or later meet sunshine, saltwater, and brisk mountain air. As a natural thing, men are more than happy to reintroduce their penis to the natural world (I guess it`s still the caveman thing talking).
Make it a STAR. Men put their penis in home videos, take pics of them and write about it. But most importantly…
Men will find it a friend. Perhaps the greatest of human endeavors, men walk the Earth seeking a kindred spirit for their penis. This great wandering, a test of manhood, becomes one of man’s defining quests.
One final thoughtâ€¦a friend of mine refers to the vagina as a Gauva. If the Penis were a fruit it would most definitely be the Passion Fruit.