Life

First Times

I`ve been thinking about first times lately…and how special first times are. It doesn`t really matter what it is, whether it was good or bad, you`ll never forget it. The thing about first times are that they`re so incredibly special one of a kind and nothing you do after that will change that moment, that particular instant when you first did something.

While writing the previous post I thought about the person I was 10 years ago when I first met Leo, Donny and Ingrid. I was so different then…but the same. So, all of this had me thinking about what I would have told my younger self had I known what I know today…

*smile* The first thing I would probably tell myself is to relax and to quit the terrible soul-searching because 10 years down the line I might know who I am, but my introspective nature hasn`t changed. It`s who I am and I have come to accept it.

I`d probably tell myself that the dungaree, doc martin, tie-die, hippy look won`t last long with me however cool I felt I looked at the time. I would grow up to be a far more sophisticated dresser than I ever thought possible. I would tell myself that there would come a time in my life when I will choose quality of quantity and will appreciate the finer things in life. But I will hold on to my quirkiness…

I would stop myself and say, Take it easy. You`re too driven and there`ll be a time you wished you were a little less ambitious. That you`ll get to a place where you`ve achieved a lot, but you have sacrificed your private life to do so and you`ll regret it. But I`ll also tell myself to relax, because I will eventually, at age 28, put my foot down and reclaim my work / life balance.

I would look around the cafeteria table in the Neelsie and say to myself that some of the people sitting around me will not be around forever. And some of them will be the friends that will still be around 10 years later, having experienced all the pains and angst of first times together.

I will tell myself that you`re a nomad and cannot be satisfied with one thing. Learn to differentiate between what`s fickle and what`s necessary. Not too lose perspective and go off on wild goose chases in order to kill the boredom.

I will tell myself that my baby sister who is so incredibly irritating at my (then) age of 18 would become one of the most important people in my life. I would tell myself that my big brother who seems distant and remote and living his own life back then would become my anchor 10 years later and the person I look up to.

I would tell myself that no matter what happens…it`d be okay after a nights` rest. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems at the time.

I would tell myself that I shouldn`t yearn for love so badly. That I would one day be in love, and I would have my heart broken by that love and that it would be ok. And I would be a stronger person for it.

Finally, I would tell myself that right now you`re an awkward, bookish and strange little girl. You`re 18 and you will be a late bloomer. You`re an expert at tantrums, bad hair days and bad fashion decisions. You constantly put your foot in it and you make really bad decisions about boyfriends. But don`t stress child…it`ll pass. 10 years later you`ll be a strong, sophisticated woman but would never lose your ability to be a girl. You`ll still be passionate and crazy…and you`ll pick your battles carefully.

You`ll still love Tequila…and dancing and hugs and kisses. You wouldn`t have mastered playing the guitar, but would still dream of meeting the guy with the bike, who plays guitar for you by the fireside.

At age 28, you`ll be phenomenal.

PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I’m not cute or built to suit a model’s fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I’m telling lies.
I say
It’s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That’s me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It’s the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can’t see.
I say
It’s in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That’s me.

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It’s in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
‘Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That’s me.

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