Girl meets boy, boy courts girl. They flirt, they dance, they kiss, things are going well. He seems â€˜perfect` and â€˜wonderful`. There seems to be amazing chemistry and you just want to get to know him â€¦umâ€¦ a little better. You`re feeling in control, a super-temptress and you haven’t said anything stupid (just yet) and things finally seem to be going to plan. He`s saying all the right things, making all the right overtures, you`re debating slipping away to light some candles in your room, untilâ€¦
the heat in the room suddenly drops and the mood is gone. So why the sudden change?
Was it something he said? (yes) or you did? (yes) The garlic from yesterday`s pasta stages an unwelcome return? (him) Perhaps the phone starts to ring and he answers it (it’s is ex), the TV gets turned on (Fear Factor at it`s worst) or he accidentally let off some steam (all that Thai food isn’t too good for the stomach). Before you know it, the romance all but vanishes and you`re bundling your hot date out the door.
And you ask yourself, what just happened? Simpleâ€¦Poor thing, you just had a passion killer moment.
I`m notorious for experiencing passion killer moments and have had to fake instances short of cardiac arrest to get out of situations where the passion has just been killed for me but the ardour is still there for him.
Case in point: Some time ago I`m sitting on the couch with a certain gentleman of the British persuasion and we`re making out. I`m not exactly enthralled by it all, but it`s cosy. Look, it`s like thisâ€¦the way a man kisses you is a clear indication of â€¦umâ€¦well, everything else. And this wasn`t getting me all hot and botheredâ€¦but it wasn`t unpleasent either. Anyway, I digress. So, things move along a bit until he grips me firmly by the shouldes, looks me straight in the eye, nods towards the bedroom and says, Right. Let`s get this over with then, shall we.
Look, you don`t have to a rocket scientist to know what I said next. That was a Passion Killer right thereâ€¦
So herewith, Ladies and fine Gents, my list of non-negotiable passion killersâ€¦
1.The general attitude that any act of intimacy with another human being is a job that needs to be done.
2.A clichÃ©â€¦but a classic: calling out someone else`s name in the heat of passion (you`d be surprised how many people apparently do this).
3.Leaving the tele on and catching him straining to see exactly how far the one chick will go to win Fear Factor even if it entails eating rotting maggots. In fact, take the damn television out of the boudouir. It`s not good for your sex life.
4.As already mentioned, the ever-popular South African disease of answering the phone while you`re together in the â€¦umâ€¦ biblical sense.
5.Bad hygiene. I really don`t have to explain why, right?
6.Crumbs in the bed (ooohâ€¦pet hate)
7.Talkin trashâ€¦.look, I have nothing against talking dirty and a bit of verbal sauciness definitely has it`s place. However, ladiesâ€¦men don`t actually like a potty-mouth. If you can master saying what you want and what you like in a manner that`s straightforward, but still evocitive and erotic (without being just plain base), you`re halfway there in the perfect lover stakes. I know, easier said than done. That`s why practice makes perfect *G*
8.Aggressive lovingâ€¦mmm..although this seems to be a case of different strokes for different folks. However, I`m still battling to get to grips with the pleasure is pain, pain is pleasure brigrade. Soâ€¦I`m thinking that I`m not going to be that passionate if I`m being klapped.
9.Flatulence of any kind. Guysâ€¦guysâ€¦farting and holding our heads under the covers can only be funny so many times. Honestly.
10.Any kind of pressure to do anything that isn`t even remotely consensual. Mmm..having said that, it makes sense that both parties are sexally compatible and have the same sexual boundaries. Or the one will get bored and the other will think they`re sleeping with a freak. But that`s a post for another day!
11.The attitude of I`ll get mine, you get yours. And, yes ladies, we have been known to be selfish lovers too. Do not stray into that realmâ€¦you`ll never come back unscathed.
There are many more, I`m sureâ€¦but my brain`s a bit fried right now. So, feel free to add or elaborate on the ultimate passion killers