The weather was in my favour yesterday. A drive around Hout Bay through Constantia to clear my head and eventually taking in a beautiful sunset and cocktails at Baraza I`m sitting in a tub chair at the Baraza window seat “people watching”. I`m wearing stilettos and, as a wiggle my toes, I smile at my feet because I relish the fact that I could wear strappy little heels on what was supposed to be a winter`s day.
It was a strange weekend full of extreme highs and lows for me. Strange occurrences and even stranger epiphanies marked Friday and Sunday and not all bad. Friday night was one of strange revelations and moments of cathartic feelings of relief. It was one of those typical crazy nightsâ€¦cocktails at M-Bar, Supper for everybody else at Gourmet Burger and Dancing and (more) drinks at Barmooda (Great seeing Ty and Cindy again). I had come straight from work, so there was nothing for it but to take off the suit jacket and go with the flow. Looking around at my friends that night I was a bit sad. But it was a sweet kind of sad. Suddenly I realised that all my buds were in relationships and, for the first time, I had to really be honest with myself. Amidst all the Cuchie-Coo`s and the flagrant (lol!) PDA`s, I was feeling alone and lonely. I felt that the dynamic had changed and I was intruding on somebody else`s life.
What was also apparent was that the my urban family suddenly treated me like I was different almost like they wanted to make sure I was OK as the last singleton standing. â€˜Don`t worry, we`ll find a man for you (ok. And that`ll solve my problems. Do I get to be picky at least? Or are we picking up the next bum on the street). Don`t be too concerned about being single. Have fun (And I thought that was what I was doing all along). â€˜You`ll feel good again when you meet someone wonderful (Because apparently I just can`t feel good and be wonderful on my own) and my personal favourite, How are you? Are you SURE you`re ok? (Because up till that Friday, I was ok. But to suddenly go out and all my friends are in sets of twoâ€¦well, they must`ve thought that I must be feeling pretty left out of Noah`s Rockin` Ark Party).
So, yeah. Happy for the buddies because they all look very enamored (aaaawwâ€¦Donny and Leo), but with the sudden influx of sympathy it became very easy to feel sorry for myself. And, yes. I did feel very alone. And I do sometimes miss having a partner. And, no. The feeling of loneliness is nothing new. But, it is a very small part of who I am and Man does not make the Woman. I can`t have patience with a Jean who feels sorry for herself because everybody else is happy. And I do get very irritated with the Jean that allows herself to be validated by the fact that she is either in a relationship or not. Because that`s not what I am about and lately it seems that it`s ALL I am about. Everywhere I go it seems like people validate me by my relationship status. It usually happens in the first 5 seconds of any conversation, Are you seeing anyone, closely followed by, Why not? cue sympathetic frown and tilt of head. With all their good intentions, I sometimes feel that my friends don`t understand what makes me tick. And I get frustrated because sometimes I just want to be honest and say, This is how I`m feeling today and be understood. *wry smile*
I realise that relationships and romantic interests plays a huge role in most people`s lives. I just didn`t realise how big that role was till I got to this point. The transition has been crazy and sad and fun. I went from the seriously involved, to the seriously cheated on, to the seriously hurt, to the rebound relationship, to the worst decision I made in my life (don`t ask, don`t tell), to saying to myself Chill. Sit back. Enjoy Jean. And now I have friends who are all involved and feeling the joy of the coupled up and cannot comprehend why I am NOT. And I know it`s because they care. So, I don`t really fault them.
But, you seeâ€¦I guess it`s still my transition phase. Because mostly I`m scared of making bad decisions and being hurt again. Because sometimes I`m too tired to get off the couch and make an effort to get to know people. And it`s incredibly hard being me sometimes. I don`t tolerate my own inadequacies and failures and in a time when everything in my life is going wellâ€¦.It`s just hard when the constant reminder of my single status is being translated as a failiure. It`s doesn`t define who I am. Single is me right now. And it`s not always pleasant, but it`s my reality and nobody can push me to the point where I make a decision to be involved again.
Except me. And that`s mostly the problem, isn`t it?