Of Weddings and Wingmen

Ah…for the smell of wedding cake and the bloom of newly found wedded bliss. Now don`t get me wrong. I hate weddings just a smidgen more than I hate funerals (at least I`m expected to cry and look morbid at a funeral). Why I am still single (and bravely…nay, stubbornly unattached) seems to boggle the minds of all my extended aunts and uncles. Usually I can barely get through the ceremony without the sidelong looks of sympathy and hopeless despair. I sit there, on the point of my seat, poised to flight and ready to shout, I`m only 28 dammit. A baby! The fact that my 23-year old cousin is standing at the alter is NO reflection on me. This is a choice. Most of the times I restrain myself by scoping out the surrounds for hot guys usually friends of the groom. In all honesty…I check out the hotties but never get into any serious rendezvous with guys at weddings.

Two reasons: Firstly, I`ve always thought that guys must inwardly cringe at weddings because of the HUGE misconception that for every bride at a wedding there are at least 15 sad, lonely women who are staring spinsterhood firmly in the face and are just DESPERATE to find Mr. Right (or in this instance… Mr. I-Can`t-Wait-Any-Longer- I`ll-Settle-For-You). I`ve always found that the crazed look in some women`s eyes is enough to make me want to shout to all eligible bachelors, Run Forest, Run. But I digress…
The second reason why I shy away from getting too flirty with the Bad Boys of the Nuptials is the movie Wedding Crashers…You see, women have always suspected that the Wedding Crashing phenomenon existed (except we don`t call them Wedding Crashers we call it That Arsehole at Cousin Betty`s wedding who took me for a ride and led me on). Hence the fact that sane enlightened women of this bright millennium REFUSES to catch the damn bouquet (what`s up with that??) and to engage with any fcukwits pretending to be sensitive about how beautiful and emotional the ceremony was. Bollocks.

So, imagine my surprise when at yet another wedding, not too long ago, I decided to come out and play. Yes, I was going to be the Wedding Crasher. I would be ruthless in my pursuit and follow all the rules of Wedding Crashing religiously (except for the tiny fact that I wasn`t really CRASHING this specific wedding I was an invited guest) And, imagine my disappointment when I discovered that the only prospects half-way interesting and worth the conquest are prepubescent. Curses…foiled again….

Which brings me to my next point. I am in the market for a Wingman. Now I know some of you know what`s a Wingman, but by way of explanation for the sad and uninitiated:

When you’re hitting the social circuit and you`re feeling particularly sassy and on the prowl for a boy, it helps to have a skilled buddy at your side to make sure you end up making-out instead of striking-out. A good wingman’s generosity knows no bounds, and he will do whatever is necessary to make sure his point woman (you) avoids enemy interference and hits the target.
It’s important that your wingman be your equal in many ways. He shouldn’t be much better looking, fashionable or charming than you — otherwise, you’ll end up becoming his wingman. Likewise, you can’t be far better looking, fashionable or charming either. Which is why I, as a female, do NOT have a Wingwoman. There`s nothing like unhealthy competition developing between you and your Wingwoman over a potential honey sitting at table 4. The goal is to field a team of two equals, not a superstar and a bench warmer.
Oftentimes, the best wingman is a guy just like you, except that he has a serious girlfriend. Because he’s already in a relationship, he doesn`t give a rats ass…in fact he becomes quite supportive of the cause, and will be happy to enjoy a night out and live vicariously through helping you. But even another single buddy with a sense of self-sacrifice can back you up at the crucial moment.

Luckily for me I once had a fantastic Wingman (albeit brief the arrangement). Sam is the amazingly funny and astute boyfriend of one of my closest friends. He`s BBB (British, Biker and dog`s Bollocks) and really concerned about my lack of involvement in the dating circuit. So, one night, over maybe the second (or is it the third?) bottle of red he decided to be my Wingman (we also decided that I am going to be President of the World, his girlfriend (my friend) will be Deputy president I`ll save because she already lives in Dubai and therefore will not have the need to take expensive trips to the UAE with the Government Jet – and Sam will be the Minister of Defence. We`re going to outlaw Soap Opera`s, Cats *the musical and the furry kind* and Pilots.) During the course of the night we nailed down a couple of guidelines or rules if you will to being a good Wingman. I know that the Wingman system has been the talk of late, but this is OUR take on what works and what doesn`t.

Number 1: Positive reinforcement. You`re Fabulous!
A good wingman is a fantastic coach and motivator. He tells you you`re fabulous and that nobody fills those Jimmy Choo`s quite like you do. He advises you on your approach and your reaction to certain things. He will constantly survey the whole area, scanning for potential hazards and difficulties, and providing valuable intelligence on how to navigate the terrain.

Number 2: Intel Inside
A good wingman is also a good intelligence agent. He`ll infiltrate the herd and get as much info on the desired guy from his friends. He’ll let you know if there`s any other female competition (of the girlfriend or los stukkie persuasion) or if he has bisexual tendencies (and trust me a wingman will have alarm bells ringing instantly).

Number 3: Take one for the team
The good wingman will do anything for the good of the team mission. Take one for the team takes on a whole new dimension. Luckily with a male wingman it`s not that bad. How hard can it be for one guy to stand around, drink beer and talk crap with other guys??

Number 4: Who`s your daddy?
Your wingman will have a prepared mental list of your best traits to relate to the target guy. He’ll put you in the best possible light and will never make fun of you or put you down. And he always knows just the right time to chime in with a good story to talk you up.

Number 5: A kamikaze mission
A good wingman will mentally prepare himself for his role and take it seriously. He never hesitates to launch into a solo assault on a table of guys buff or not. He has no fear of getting shot down by the other guys, either physically or mentally. He’ll fire the first shot and soften up the defences, so you can sweep in from the flank and hit on the hottie in the pack.

Number 6: He`s just not THAT into you.
The good wingman knows whether to enter the conversation to keep things moving forward, or to just back off and let you do your stuff. He can also sense whether you’re barking up the right tree, or just wasting time. More importantly, he’s not afraid to tell you so, potentially saving you from a night wasted on a guy who isn’t interested.
Your backup will adapt to every situation. He’ll know when he needs to be talkative and when he needs to keep it shut. He’ll change his colours in an instant, getting involved when appropriate and blending seamlessly into the background when not. Absolutely masterful.

Number 7: Running the gauntlet
There’s usually another girl trying to work the same hot guy that you want to get …um…better acquainted with. Or sometimes her “friend” will be doing all she can to make sure your target goes home with her friend (V.v.important fact: OTHER people have wingbuddies too!). A good wingman can help you overcome this by running his own interference and engaging, at close range, the meddling guy or girl. If it’s a guy, your wingman might get in his way physically and box him out, so you can move in. If it’s a girl, he’ll start a conversation and keep it going long enough for you to work your magic.

Number 8: You hear what I`m sayin??
You’ve been in the trenches together. You know your wingman well, and he knows you well. You don’t have to talk to communicate about every situation. He can read your body language, signs and codes, and act accordingly to help your cause.

Number 9: Darling, there`s a bat in the cave…
A great wingman acts as your personal butler for the night, letting you know if there’s a booger hanging out of your nose or toilet paper stuck to your shoe. He’ll also make sure that you don’t drink too much, don`t talk too much or don`t come on too strong. He`ll let you know when your make-up`s looking a bit tired and will advise you when to re-apply the gloss. He tells you when it’s time to put down the wine and switch to water (you should know when to quit anyway).

Number 10: Your mission, should you accept it…?
His skill extends beyond mere distraction of would be interferences; the good wingman will actually elicit and sustain the rest of the herds interest while you work on the hot guy.

So you see, being a Wingman is really a v.v.important job. It`s high-end stuff and not for the faint-hearted. Luckily for my wingman I eventually did not need his services at the wedding (as a result of the stupid law prohibiting adults from giving candy to cute little boys. Ok, not that bad, they looked about 24…but it still felt like cradle snatching).

However…And this is me officially advertising. Sam and Sybill have trekked back to Dubai (sniff) and I am without a wingman. Since my chances of entering and playing in the dating circuit seems to be much improved by the existence of a Wingman in my repertoire, I am officially inviting interested parties to submit their application to be my Wingman.
The pay is not that great but the benefits of seeing me clumsily navigate the dating circuit is priceless. In addition, you will have many vacation days as I become totally inept when faced with the prospect of going out and meeting guys. So, usually I don`t.

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Any takers?

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