Leave your hat on

I love my job. I really do. I get to do live out my passion (ok, Financial Communication Strategy…maybe not a passion. But definitely an Art). What I love most about my job are the perks. Now I do get to travel often, meet amazing people, go to lots of fabulous functions…but, mostly, I get sent all the print publications before they hit the stands. In the battle for advertising (your soul) between our major Media and Publishing houses, people like myself are looked at to make decisions with regards to the likelihood of said company advertising in said publication. So, there is a distinct need to impress upon us (the guys with the money) that they (the guys with the news fodder) produce a world-class publication that will undoubtedly not embarrass or undermine the integrity of our organisation. Needless to say, my assistant has never walked in and plonked a copy of Heat or People Magazine on my table.

This morning I received the July edition of a top glossy magazine for men. I love this particular magazine, although some of my female friends find it rather chauvinistic. Personally, I find it entertaining and enlightening. I do get a bit envious when I look at the photoshopped-to-death bodies of the young ladies looking back at me from their pages. Their body make-up is flawless and I marvel at their ability to hold together the tiniest triangular piece of cloth known in the history of mankind.

Peppered between images of these young ladies (I always wonder if their fathers` take the mag to work to show what my little girl is doing with her career), are some really good articles though. Well-written, researched and intelligent sh*t.

However, to my dismay this morning, I stumbled upon an article written by a woman. I am in shock that it was printed, as I can only imagine that a) Many incensed men will be responding to the article, or b) Men are not really confident about their prowess and ability in bed. It`s not that the advice given sounded basic, juvenile and obvious. It`s that she basically started the article by portraying most men to be clumsy little boys who do not their arse from their elbow. She then proceeded to give them a list of Do NOT`s in Bed. She called it ‘10 Irritating Things Men Do In Bed.` (Only 10? I guess she stopped at 10 because math is hard).

To my chagrin, as I went through the list I realised that I might have a problem. I, of the female persuasion, am guilty of some of these sins. Suddenly, I felt insulted for all men (and little ‘ole me). Not everyone is doing it like they`re doing it for camera, I wanted to tell her.

Well, without further ado, her list of:

‘10 Irritating Things Men Do In Bed in bold (and my retrospective on it in italics)

1- Leaving your socks or shoes on

Forget what you learned from watching television. I`m not sure I`ve learned anything else from anywhere else. Erotica can sometimes be a good thing, Lady.

Although, this is probably a good idea because you might get dirt in her bed or on one her 37 pillows, and that will kill the mood for her. Besides, what`s wrong in leaving you shoes on if they`re nice and it suits the mood?

2- Answering your cell phone

Our friend said that, According to a BBDO Worldwide survey, 15% of Americans have answered a call during sex. Except we`re in South Africa, where the percentage is probably much higher. I think that all 15% of Americans are more than likely women anyway. Granted, a guy would take a phone call in the middle of surgery if he thought it would lead to sex, but if he`s already having sex he won`t answer. Ask me, I know. None of my male friends answer the phone when I call them while they`re having sex. I`ve tried.

3- Engaging in small talk

The only thing you should be talking about is how much she turns you on and how great it feels to be inside her. Whew…(*wondering if that was that too x-rated for this blog*)

Mmm…and that`s not even necessary. You`ve already gotten into her pants so there`s really no reason to talk to her ever again. (I`d hate to be the guy having in bed with her…the bar is set pretty high, isn`t it)

4- Watching anything other than her

Sex with the tv on? A study by an Italian sexologist has found that couples who have a TV set in their bedroom have sex only half as often as those who don`t.

I`m surmising that instead they watch a lot of afore-mentioned erotica, while doing crossword puzzles. Remember, sex is all about focusing on her. Ok, everything is about focusing on her, but today`s lesson is sex.

5- Drooling on her (or spitting globs of saliva on her face)

Women like to be drooled over, but not on. And call me old fashioned, but when did spitting in a woman`s face during sex become taboo? I think feminism has finally gone too far (ok. I just packed up laughing at my own funny)

6- Collapsing two seconds after your climax

Or faking your own death after your climax. Chicks want to cuddle – apparently. Chicks probably want to cuddle more than they want to have sex uh, not likely. Men do have a physiological excuse for falling asleep afterwards. I tend to want to fall asleep too…does that make me a man? Now I`m confused. Solution: instead put on some loud ass dance music, drink a red bull or have sex where you`re unlikely to fall asleep. Like in front of the television.

7- Mentioning the sexual skills of other women

Don`t ever, ever talk about other women while making love.

Don`t ever, ever talk about other women while doing anything, but saying You don`t make love as well as my previous partner won`t earn you any brownie points. If you have to talk during sex, talk about her. You can ask her what her name is or something equally charming.

8- Turning sex into stand-up comedy

This is especially true if you`re a prop comic. Being silly or laughing can hamper her arousal and trivialize the sexual experience for her. She is allowed to laugh at your penis though so don`t have sex after swimming.

9- Using infantile pet names for body parts

Call a clitoris a clitoris, and a vagina is a vagina, not a wee-wee.

Now I`m confused. I always thought a penis was a willy, and a vagina was a nuffy. And I have no idea what a clitoris is or where it`s found :p

My take on that is simple…. she doesn`t want to feel like a little girl playing doctor. She wants to feel like a big girl having sex with a doctor. No stirrups though. You also shouldn`t give names to your penis like ‘Jr` or ‘Prince Coozie.` (but she could)

10- Forgetting about your physiological differences

Our friend is trying to say that a vagina is not a trampoline. Finally in agreement.

Ok, so some of her points are good. And some of her points are a bit linear. Like looking at nothing else but the woman. What happens if there`s mirrors or blindfolds. Lol… point is I think that between the FHM / GQ / Men`s Health / Cosmo / Elle fraternity, we all seemed to have lost the plot. Sex is terrific…but it`s never always perfect. It`s messy and dirty and funny. And there`s nothing wrong with that.

Unless you ARE doing it like you`re doing it for TV.

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