Hello Kitty!

LOL! 14h38, the phone rings…hysterical female on the other end…
He`s looking at the bed, and I know he’s thinking about the bed. Sometimes you can just see someone’s thoughts racing across their eyeballs. He’s mentally bouncing up and down to test the mattress, then pulling back the covers and dragging me in beside him to have his wicked way.I panic and wish I’d never brought him back here.

“Look,” I say, “You know that thing the other day, where you said you were in love with me and that you wanted me real bad, you remember the thing?” He nods eagerly.”I just want you to forget about that, okay? It’s not going to happen.” He looks confused.”I don’t want that kind of thing. I can’t handle that kind of thing.” I wish he didn`t have to look so wounded.” This bed isn’t made for that kind of thing. It’s not one of those hey baby, let’s go, steamy night of passion kind of beds.

Look how the blankets are all churned up like that, that’s because I was just curled up in a ball right there a few hours ago, staring at the ceiling. And there are Bar One wrappers too. To your left are some books that I tried to read but just abandoned because the words were too big, then I accidentally rolled over on top of them during the night and made the pages go all dog-eared. Under the covers you will find the Hello Kitty vibrator tossed aside, my heart just wasn’t in it. If you lay down you’d feel some poppy seeds press into your back, even through I know the bed isn’t the place to eat bread rolls. And you see those dead tissues; they’re all crumpled up with tears and snot when I was laying there feeling sorry for myself. And right at the bottom where the sheets tuck in, there’s a bunch of grotty old socks that I kicked off in the middle of the night when my feet got too hot.

“He now looks even more confused.”Don’t you see how wrong this is? I am quite happy being miserable and I don’t want you barging in and ruining it. I just want this bed to be for me to hide under the covers and wallow. I cry in there! I fart and scream and sing! I don’t want you thinking about me or looking at me or wanting me. I don’t want you, or anyone at all, to come any closer.”Please understand. You don’t want to be here. Not with me. So please just go? Okay?”

…It helps to keep a straight face when one of your girlfriends is confiding about last night`s little mis-adventure with the prospective lover. It`s even better when you`re on the phone with her you put your hand over the mouthpiece and snigger. Before you hang up, offer sage advice about a) allowing romance and life to happen, and b) treating your bedroom like a boudoir and not a Route 66 Motel room. Sound vaguely superior when dispensing this advice. My work here is done.

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