Early morning FPU

I realised this morning that it must be close to Mother’s Day. The advent of this particular May Sunday every year, prompts a barrage of very interesting calls from the FPU. The FPU does not believe in surprises and prefers to hint (rather dramatically) at what she wants.

Something along the lines of “Oh…. my Opium perfume is nearly finished – dramatic pause – what WILL I do….”. Which we inevitably would have indulged without all the d.r.a.m.a… Kryptonite can appear in many different forms…In many ways the FPU is a form of Kryptonite (basically the type that persistently chips away at you until you give in out of sheer desperation).

I was still languishing in bed this morning, contemplating the meaning of life and my wardrobe…. Stormy keeping my feet warm under the covers and Darcy lying in the crook of my arm, when the FPU called. Now, it’s 7am and I haven’t had my morning walk, shower or cuppa. This translates to sheer agony.

Phone rings:

ME: Hello Mother! How’s my favourite FPU doing?
FPU: Hello Washing Machine! I’m well, my sweetheart (now don’t laugh at the “Washing Machine” bit – hold over of a childhood nickname)
ME: What’s up?
FPU: Just wanted to know what you were doing the weekend of 27 May….
ME: Uh…I think I’m going to be in Citrusdal. Don’t know all the details yet…
FPU: Oh (suspicion)…With who?
ME: The rest of the gang, mommy.
FPU: Oh…They’re such nice boys you know… (Pause)
FPU: Anyway this is so disappointing… (Long dramatic pause. I can HEAR the pout over the phone)
ME: Um…Why?
FPU: (Brightens up. If I’m asking “Why?”, there’s always hope) Well, it’s your Uncle James’ birthday the week after…
ME: Uh huh…And….
FPU: I thought we could celebrate it the week before!
ME: Um…(confused)…why? FPU: Well, you know that woman and I can’t be in the same room. Your Aunty Mary and I haven’t seen eye to eye since “that incident”.
ME: (patiently) But, she’s his wife. How do you think you’re going to avoid her the week before? It IS her house and husband after all….
FPU: Oh…you don’t understand. If I celebrate his birthday the week before, I’ll see her. But there won’t be loads of people there. Just us and I won’t have to pretend to be nice to her. ME: Mmmm….I’m going to Citrusdal.
FPU: Oh. Ok then, Citrusdal. Well you know what they say about Citrusdal.
ME: No?
FPU: Axe-murderers. The lot of them. All those farm people are axe-murderers. They say it’s the hot springs. And the men are all trying to pinch your arse.
ME: (Already looking forward to Citrusdal and the prospect of bum-pinching men) Really?! FPU: Oh yes. They can be quite rude.
ME: And who told you this?
FPU: Oh … your Aunty Mary.
ME: Aunty Mary? The Aunty Mary you haven’t spoken to since “the incident”? You’re more than willing to change your brother’s birth date to avoid seeing her…. Aunty Mary?
FPU: Now, she`s a really reputable source!
ME: (sigh….) Bye Mommy…Love you. Don’t get into too much trouble today. And only call me at work if it’s a REAL crisis, ok?

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