Creative Maths

There were two girls on the plane the other day. They`re both about, oh…14 or so and speak in the angst and italicised mannerof young teens the world over. They tray`s are down and void of any airline food and they are huddles over the notebooks, scribbling intently with neon pink pens.

“We’re doomed,” declared the blonde in the cream puffy jacket with the fake fur collar. She slumped in her seat and sighed.”48%, that’s not that bad,” the brunette in the pink puffy jacket with the fake fur collar said in soothing tones.”48% is rubbish!”

I peered over to see what they were doing. Oh, sweet nostalgia. Do you remember when you were young and crushing and you’d write your name on a piece of paper, then write LOVES underneath, then the name of the boy underneath that?

Like this:

and then you’d count how many L`s are in your names, then how many O, V, E and S’s, and keep adding up the numbers until you were left with a two-digit figure that spelled out your romantic destiny:


his poor girl was not happy with her compatibility with a young James. “He borrowed my pencil in Science last week so I thought things were going good.”
My heart went out to her. At this stage of her life, all she had to go on was pure mathematics. She wasn’t old enough to buy Cosmopolitan and let her self esteem be dictated by Are You Suckers Gonna Make It? multiple choice quizzes. I wanted to tap her on the shoulder and tell her that all was not lost. With some careful massaging of the data, it was entirely possible to turn the tide of their relationship.

Firstly, many schools of thought believe if you get a result under 50%, you have to double the number, the reason being 50% is the scientifically-proven minimum compatibility one can have with another human being. Or maybe it’s just because a result less than 50% would be like ripping out your heart and inviting a herd of elephants to crap on it.But if you don’t feel comfortable with such blatant figure fudging, you can tinker with the words. Try adding your middle names and see if that beefs up the percentage. If you don’t know his middle name, it is accepted practice to make one up.


Failing that, try a different word in the middle. “LOVES” is so traditional and stuffy.
Try “adores”, “admires”, “worships”, or:

is visible aroused at the thought of J

If all that still fails produce a satisfactory result, well, whatever. Clearly the boy is so not good enough for you, girlfriend.

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